last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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