My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
