i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
