Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
