Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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