You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
