i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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