Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm like, not good at living.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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