do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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