Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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