proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
do herpes really smell.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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