dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
