I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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