We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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