i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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