i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Randomize
