New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
