just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You're a waste of cheezeits
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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