She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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