Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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