If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
