I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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