The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am one with the molecules
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
