You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize