sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
