hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
