Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
