I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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