I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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