There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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