he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
