im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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