I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
