I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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