Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
