Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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