My liver just broke up with me...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i believe in u and ur pee
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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