If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize