Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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