If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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