my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
