Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
