I can text with my tongue
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
