I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
