He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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