Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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