so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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