There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
