Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
