I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize