farters have to be the big spoon...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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