allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?