i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me