Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey