People in love make me want to vomit
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
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I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?