If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
