I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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