Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
