He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
