drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
